Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough





"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?"


“I’ve always liked Mike. But you know, if you don’t think he’s right for you, then maybe he’s not.” My girlfriend, Jack, takes a long drag off her hand rolled cigarette and blows the smoke out of the side of her mouth. She takes a sip of tea.
            We’re sitting outside at a café in Silverlake. I’m ruminating over my relationship and having a walnut and pear salad. 
            “I just don’t know what’s going on with me. Everything has been great between us since the last big fight. Our anniversary is coming up—three years. When we celebrate our anniversary, it will officially be the longest time I’ve ever been with anyone. Most days I think I am head over heels in love with him. And sometimes all I can think about is getting out.”
            “Does this have anything to do with Travis?” She asks me directly and laughs a little. A cute waiter walks by and checks her out. She doesn’t notice.
            “No. That’s ridiculous,” I say, shoving baby mixed greens that tastes like pine needles and goat cheese into my mouth. “I mean, I don’t know. I feel like everything that is happening between me and Travis is a symptom of a much bigger problem.”
            “What problem do you think that is?”
            “I have no fucking idea, Jack. Maybe that I’m not happy. Maybe that I have commitment issues. Maybe that I’m coming to the realization that maybe Patty Smyth is right and sometimes love just ain’t enough.”
            Okay, in truth I didn’t use her name. I did however break out into song for a moment while Jack sat and stared at me. Apparently, she wasn’t familiar with the song. This is one of the many times I have looked like a fool while spending time with her.
            “What is going on with you and Travis right now?”
            “I don’t know. Nothing. I promised Mike that I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. But we still work together, so, I mean, I see him every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And we still sneak cigarettes together. Take little breaks, try to catch up as much as possible in the minute amount of time we have together.”
            “So, you still really want to spend time with him?”
            “Of course! The juvenile in me probably wants to spend time with him out of defiance. But I also really enjoy his company. It’s simple, you know? We just have a very simple relationship. It’s not complicated. There’s no chatter of bills and groceries and who’s doing the dishes.  We get high, we listen to music, we quote Dave Chappelle. It’s easy. And what? I’m not allowed to have certain friends? Or make new friends? Or ever have friendships with men ever again?”
            “I agree with you that Mike is a little jealous, slightly possessive even. But the other stuff.. You know that’s not reality, right? You don’t talk about bills and dishes because you’re not in a relationship with him. But you would, if you were.”
            I ignore this reasoning. It seems irrelevant. It’s irrelevant because I do not want to be in a relationship. With Travis, or maybe anyone.
            “I just think it says a lot that Mike and I are happy and doing well and I still have anxieties. This is the best our relationship has ever been. We’re communicating well, we’re treating each other with respect, we’re not fighting. We’ve been doing little things for each other. Like, giving each other little treats or doing chores out of turn just to help the other person out. And I still crave more. I keep thinking there’s more out there for me. I don’t necessarily mean this the way that it sounds, but I keep thinking that there’s someone better. Or something better for me. If I can meet someone like Travis, and have such an amazing rapport with, maybe there’s someone out there that compliments me more than Mike. What if stopping at Mike means I’ve settled?”
            Jack doesn’t respond. She stirs more sugar into her tea and just looks at me and shrugs.
            “And besides that, when I get off work, he comes to pick me up. We text and call each other before every single activity. He calls me when he’s off work, on his way to school, when he has to pick something up at his mother’s house; I call him when I am on the way to the grocery store, when I want to book a flight to go to South Carolina to see my family. Why do I need permission for that? Why do I have to report every single miniscule part of my day? Because heaven forbid he doesn’t know exactly where I am at any second. It’s not that he makes me do this, or even asks me to. But this is what happens. In a relationship. There’s no privacy anymore and no personal freedom. It’s goddamn depressing.”
            She maybe was about to respond, but I was on a roll. The anger hamster decided it was time to go for a run. The wheel was spinning at record speeds.
            “Okay, you’ve been with Joshua for almost 6 years. What keeps you two together? How are you not desperate to sleep with other men?”
            “I am desperate to sleep with other men. I think about it all the time.”
            “Maybe you’ve never done this before. I’m looking for advice here. Wanna help a friend out?”
            Her tea is empty. She looks disappointedly at her empty mug. She picks a walnut off my plate without asking and dumps salt on it. “I can’t tell you what you want. All I can tell you is that you have a good thing with Mike.  I don’t want to see you lose something to your lack of will power or commitment. Relationships are hard. They require work. And sacrifice. I know everyone says that, but it’s true. You’re not always going to be able to have all the friends you want to have. You’re not always going to have all the personal time you’d like to have. You just have to decide that your love for him and his love for you is stronger than your selfish needs.”