"What we have to do, what at any rate it is our duty to do, is to revive the old art of Lying."
Late Saturday night, I was spending some time with Anna. It must've been past midnight and we’re already super stoned and going to In-N-Out. At some point while hot boxing her car in the drive-thru, we decide we want to go see the boys. It’s Saturday night, we all just got off work. We know that Travis and Mikey are just sitting in Travis’ apartment. We know they miss us and must be just waiting for us to show up. I haven’t been there in weeks, of course. I made it very clear to Travis that I chose my boyfriend and that our friendship is over. I made it clear that we are not allowed to see each other anymore. But this Saturday night… THIS Saturday felt different. I want to sneak over there. I want to spend an hour with my friends. I have been on good behavior, I want to reward myself with being bad. Isn’t that just like a woman? It’s as if I have been eating salad for three weeks, so I want to treat myself by eating a 20 oz steak followed by a 3 tiered chocolate cake. Whatever, Anna and I are fucked up. We park behind Travis’ apartment building, swing the car doors open, giggling and stuffing fries into our faces. Anna and I wait at the back gate; it’s freezing and she’s trying to call Travis. After he doesn’t pick up for a while, I give up and call from my phone. He answers right away. “Oh Hello,” he says and I can hear him smiling through the phone. “I’m out back with Anna! Come let us in!” I’m giddy and getting that rush, that blush of boldness that tells me I’m doing something I’m not supposed to be but I’m thrilled. He hangs up the phone without saying anything. I look back at Anna and she’s making walrus tusks with two French fries hanging out of her mouth. I give her two thumbs up, and drop my phone in the process. I can’t believe that I’m about to break my promise to Mike; but as I see it, there’s not another option. I apparently accidentally left my sanity at work and I’ve just gone too far to turn around and go get it. I’m here, he’s coming down to let us in and I cannot wait to see him. What’s taking him so long? Anna has to pee and I’m making her jump around, instructing her on the proper peepee dance. We may be laughing a little loudly—a neighbor peeks through his curtains to see what in the world is going on beneath his window. Great, now I have to pee too. I light a cigarette. We finally hear sounds of sneakers on metal steps bouncing down the staircase. Travis appears, handlebar mustache, flannel shirt, hunter’s cap and all. I grin from ear to ear. His hands are in his pockets and he kind of shuffles to the gate. He’s in no hurry apparently. “Hi! Hurry the fuck up! We have to pee!” Anna, behind me, shouts, “Yeah, what the fuck, man?” He stops at the gate. He looks at me. He looks at Anna and then back to me. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He is not smiling and he’s harsh with me for the first time ever. “You know you aren’t supposed to be here. What the fuck are you doing here?” I have no idea what to say back to him. He’s right and I’m hurt. I was expecting him to fling open the gate and let us in, overjoyed that we are here to liven up the evening. “I’m allowed to be wherever I want to be. I’m a big girl and I’ll make decisions about where I’m supposed to be. Mike and I talked it over - I won't be here all the time, but tonight he said I could.” I smile and try to hide the weight of the lie. He doesn’t respond; he shakes his head at me. He looks disappointedly at Anna as if this is somehow her fault. “C’mon! This is a rare opportunity for me. I wanna see you. Let us in! I want to see Mikey too. C’mon!” From the other side of the locked gate, he looks at Anna directly and says, “I can’t believe you brought her here.” He has two hands on the gate, and he’s leaning forward. His huge blue owl eyes take up half his face, and they’re looking at me with a heaviness that I have yet to see in him. “And you, you’ve got to stop doing this to me. Get out of here. “ And with that he turns away and walks back up the stairs.
Late Saturday night, I was spending some time with Anna. It must've been past midnight and we’re already super stoned and going to In-N-Out. At some point while hot boxing her car in the drive-thru, we decide we want to go see the boys. It’s Saturday night, we all just got off work. We know that Travis and Mikey are just sitting in Travis’ apartment. We know they miss us and must be just waiting for us to show up. I haven’t been there in weeks, of course. I made it very clear to Travis that I chose my boyfriend and that our friendship is over. I made it clear that we are not allowed to see each other anymore. But this Saturday night… THIS Saturday felt different. I want to sneak over there. I want to spend an hour with my friends. I have been on good behavior, I want to reward myself with being bad. Isn’t that just like a woman? It’s as if I have been eating salad for three weeks, so I want to treat myself by eating a 20 oz steak followed by a 3 tiered chocolate cake. Whatever, Anna and I are fucked up. We park behind Travis’ apartment building, swing the car doors open, giggling and stuffing fries into our faces. Anna and I wait at the back gate; it’s freezing and she’s trying to call Travis. After he doesn’t pick up for a while, I give up and call from my phone. He answers right away. “Oh Hello,” he says and I can hear him smiling through the phone. “I’m out back with Anna! Come let us in!” I’m giddy and getting that rush, that blush of boldness that tells me I’m doing something I’m not supposed to be but I’m thrilled. He hangs up the phone without saying anything. I look back at Anna and she’s making walrus tusks with two French fries hanging out of her mouth. I give her two thumbs up, and drop my phone in the process. I can’t believe that I’m about to break my promise to Mike; but as I see it, there’s not another option. I apparently accidentally left my sanity at work and I’ve just gone too far to turn around and go get it. I’m here, he’s coming down to let us in and I cannot wait to see him. What’s taking him so long? Anna has to pee and I’m making her jump around, instructing her on the proper peepee dance. We may be laughing a little loudly—a neighbor peeks through his curtains to see what in the world is going on beneath his window. Great, now I have to pee too. I light a cigarette. We finally hear sounds of sneakers on metal steps bouncing down the staircase. Travis appears, handlebar mustache, flannel shirt, hunter’s cap and all. I grin from ear to ear. His hands are in his pockets and he kind of shuffles to the gate. He’s in no hurry apparently. “Hi! Hurry the fuck up! We have to pee!” Anna, behind me, shouts, “Yeah, what the fuck, man?” He stops at the gate. He looks at me. He looks at Anna and then back to me. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He is not smiling and he’s harsh with me for the first time ever. “You know you aren’t supposed to be here. What the fuck are you doing here?” I have no idea what to say back to him. He’s right and I’m hurt. I was expecting him to fling open the gate and let us in, overjoyed that we are here to liven up the evening. “I’m allowed to be wherever I want to be. I’m a big girl and I’ll make decisions about where I’m supposed to be. Mike and I talked it over - I won't be here all the time, but tonight he said I could.” I smile and try to hide the weight of the lie. He doesn’t respond; he shakes his head at me. He looks disappointedly at Anna as if this is somehow her fault. “C’mon! This is a rare opportunity for me. I wanna see you. Let us in! I want to see Mikey too. C’mon!” From the other side of the locked gate, he looks at Anna directly and says, “I can’t believe you brought her here.” He has two hands on the gate, and he’s leaning forward. His huge blue owl eyes take up half his face, and they’re looking at me with a heaviness that I have yet to see in him. “And you, you’ve got to stop doing this to me. Get out of here. “ And with that he turns away and walks back up the stairs.
Travis turns 22 in a few days. His birthday is coming up and I clearly will not be able to celebrate it with him. Maybe I should be saying, “I shouldn’t celebrate it,” or “I don’t want to celebrate it.” I guess I don’t see it that way. I think I should be able to do that, or anything that I want to. And I absolutely do want to celebrate with him. I miss our friendship and it hurts me that I don’t get to spend his birthday with him. When I think of it, it makes me think of all the fun things I’m going to miss, and all the memories I’m not going to have with him. So, after work on Sunday morning, I walk down to my favorite little record store and start hunting for a gift—something for his birthday to remind him that I wish things could be different. When he turned me away the night before I was heart broken. I had Anna take me home right after and I stayed up all night, watching a Top Model marathon and trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. And now, I’m spending two hours in a record store, sifting through things, trying to imagine him listening to various records, smoking joints and lounging on his plaid couches. I buy CCR’s Willy and the Poor Boys, which has a song called Midnight Special on it. The song is on our playlist at work. When it comes on during Sunday brunch, we always look at each other and have a rock out session imperceptible to anyone but he and I. I want to give him this record. But I also want to keep it. If I have it, I can listen to it and think of him. I can use this as my indulgence instead of barging into his apartment in the middle of the night to satisfy the urge. Then I think of all the times I’ve asked him to come here with me. I don’t know anyone else that has a record player and it was one of the first things we bonded over. We never could find time to get here together. I imagine him being in this store, breathing in the dust and sifting through the weathered sleeves and thinking of me. I decide to get him a gift card instead—with a pretty sizeable amount of cash on it considering we aren’t even speaking to each other right now. I suppose I’ll pass it off to Anna later and have her give it to him at his birthday party.
Happy Birthday, Travis. I hope you love the store. I hope when you miss me, you can just go there and think of me. I’m going to spin Midnight Special while I’m at home with my boyfriend instead of being at your party.
