"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there."
I have a pretty small group of friends, most of them are guys. I don't know if it's because I find guys easier, more relatable, more entertaining, or if I just like the idea that I can fuck them if I want to. Maybe it's because I haven't met a lot of women that can hang with my vices. So there are three: three special ladies that I'd like to give a little shout out to right now. And for the readers, you may as well meet them because I talk about them a lot.
- JACK. Jack is my best friend from college. Jack is a girl. Jack’s real name is Jaqueline which is obviously horrible and needed to be shortened to a more ambiguous, gender confusing name. We never call her Jackie. Jack has been dating the same man since our Junior year. His name is Joshua. Jack and Josh. Adorable right? Joshua is not to be confused with another Joshua that I'll talk about later. Some things you should know about Jack:
A. She smokes pot every day.
B. She’s been clinically depressed for quite some time and is most likely on a different medicinal cocktail every time you see her.
C. She hates everyone. Maybe including me. It’s hard to tell. But since she still calls me, I try to believe that she wants me around.
D. It’s hard to tell if I actually enjoy her company.
E. She’s the kind of person that you are shocked and flattered when she calls.
F. She’s bright, but not shiny.
G. She’s a genius and she and Josh have started their own business. Their business is essentially the promotion of good taste and style.
H. She works all day every day, which is impressively done with a joint hanging from her mouth.
I. In addition to working all day, she’s incredibly domestic and is that one friend you have that has the nicest apartment and everyone is jealous. I take people that she doesn’t even know there and show it off as if it’s mine.
J. Jealousy is a big theme in her life and in our relationship. But when you’re beautiful, smart, talented and obviously destined for great things, that tends to happen.
- LIZBETH. Also gets called Liz, Lizzy, LB, LBoogie, LBoogz or just, “That Drunk Girl!” LB is a friend from college. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s been unpredictable from one day to the next. But she was the first person I ever reached out to about my sadness and personal issues I was having in college. She lent an ear and we will forever be close friends. She’s kind of like that crazy half sister you have that you just don’t know what to do with. On the one hand you love her because she’s your sister, but on the other hand sometimes you wish your mother had never fucked that man. Some things you should know about LB:
A. She gets drunk every day.
B. She’s been clinically depressed for quite some time but refuses to be on the appropriate medicinal cocktail. She was on a number of things when we were living together; now she’s living on her own and apparently has decided that she can no longer be governed by her therapist.
C. So she self medicates now. Mushrooms, MDMA, Ecstacy, Pot, and Coke are in the medicine cabinet now.
D. It’s hard to tell if I actually enjoy her company.
E. She’s the kind of person that every time she calls you wonder what on god’s green earth has happened to her THIS TIME.
F. She loves every man she meets. They’re all “The One.” She sleeps with bartenders and band guys and wonders why they aren’t ready to commit to her. She blames her chest size.
G. LB is 5’9” and stunning. She was a swimmer in highschool and then anhorexic in college. So she’s maintained a fantastic figure. But she’s completely flat chested. Every three weeks or so she tells me that she’s looking into plastic surgery to finally “look like a woman.” She introduces this as new information every time.
H. Lizbeth is the opposite of domesticity. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve caught her washing my dishes with liquid hand soap. We lived together a few years ago and I’m still finding pumpkin seed shells around my apartment from the trail she used to leave around our place. (That was three apartments ago.) The good side of that was that I could always find her by just following the seeds. Or the popsicle stains on the carpet.
I. She’s the crazy artist type that hasn’t quite found her art yet.
J. Rejection is a big theme in her life – from her perspective. From my perspective, poor choices seems to be in a big theme in her life. This is why I love her. The hot messes like to stick together.
- ANNA. Anna is a relatively new friend in my life. I don’t really have that many friends, to be honest. Most of the people that are close to me are pals I met in college. But Anna is the exception to that rule. In fact, I’ve only been really hanging out with her for less than 6 months. But there’s just something about her. She’s incredibly special and one of the bleedingest hearts I’ve ever met. Some things you should know about Anna:
A. She smokes pot every day.
B. She’s been clinically depressed for quite some time and is on some kind of medicinal cocktail that she’s mentioned several times but since I’m a pot smoker also, I can never remember it.
C. She loves everyone. I’ve never seen Anna uncomfortable in a situation and I’ve certainly never seen anyone that didn’t immediately adore Anna upon meeting her.
D. Several months after meeting her, most people get tired of her effervescence and need to take break from her. This happened in our relationship as well; but damn is that girl pervasive! And she wiggled her way back into my life and now we use each other to feed our codependences.
E. She brakes for animals. And then she spends the rest of the day trying to find that animal a good home.
F. She’s always that girl that knocks over the bong, breaks a glass, or tips over your aunt’s priceless Ming Dynasty vase while she’s looking for her cell phone in her giant purse. To be fair, if it’s that damn important or expensive, it shouldn’t be placed about all willy nilly like in the living room. So while it’s horrible to watch Anna do things like this, I often think afterwards, “that vase had it coming.”
G. Women don’t generally like Anna. Anna is very outgoing and sexual and hasn’t seemed to have any problems getting the men she wants. Anna has purple hair and wears a D cup. It’s hard not to notice her. Thank God I’m wasting my time on a little twerp of a man or there might be a lot of competition between us when we go out together.
H. Failed relationships are a big theme in Anna’s life. Whether it’s men or women, her connections with other people have a hard time getting off the ground. I love that about her; it reminds me that there’s something special about our friendship. When we lay in my bed together, getting stoned and watching Lord of the Rings, I am reminded of the late great Britney Murphy in Clueless, “Shit you guys! I’ve never had straight friends before.”
